"It's weird how normal it feels that you're here." says Pete (of the Bell house). After sitting in the car for 10 minutes I had to come back into their house to ask for help because I literally couldn't move the emergency brake on my own. Love it and agree, it is so good to be here. It's been a week yesterday that I arrived in Scotland and a week tomorrow that I got to Glasgow. It feels like being home, even as where I left does. * I think they can both feel this way because people I love in both know this actually isn't home at all.
It's been a week of settling in, of being glad for what already feels familiar, of tea (with no milk and hearing about it.), and of coffee because I can't do tea only. Of prayer meetings and group devotions and conversations about the gospel and what God is doing and how much we need him. My previous experience has been that conversations and the way the church lives out their call with daily intentionality at 20schemes convict and inspires, causes me to wrestle and points me to God. This remains true in this first week. Already themes are settling in as God works on my heart and mind through simple conversations, questions and moments.
It began straight out of the airport. One of the women's workers I know from that summer picked me up in Edinburgh. On the drive in casual catch up she shared about a new role and how initially she felt in over her head. Then she realized it's not meant to be about her or on her strength anyway, that she's meant to rely on God and he does the work through us. It isn't about us. It isn't about me, and God is strong in our weakness. Theme. She also touched on how when she was feeling unsure in her role some of it came down to inverted pride.
This reminded me of how I was feeling a mess the morning I left. My reasons for feeling overwhelmed and perfectionistic and unsatisfied with myself and organization really came down to pride. It is not wrong to want to be orderly and have things organized so that functionality and effectiveness are better. But when having my ducks in a row has to do with needing to feel in control, with concern over perceptions, with unrealistic expectations for approval- it can quickly become wrong and the roots be traced deep down in pride.
I want it to be about me. I want to be capable and awesome and Captain Marvel and lovable and ... on and on and on. It ISN'T about me and there is great comfort in this. This is the other theme that has come up. Not only that I need to rely on God's strength and not my own but that it is all about God. All of it. He created and is Creator. He is the source of all the things that I want to be admired for. He gets the admiration for them, not me. And the truth is my sinful heart struggles with that reality! God is so worthy of making much of and yet I so badly fight for life to be about me.
In listening to a sermon a CLE friend just sent 1 Corinthians 13 strikes heart battle down to motive. You can have all the right theological knowledge- and not be right with God. You can have all the best good works- and not be right with God. The truth is I can't even muster right motive in myself. I have a pride problem, a self-glorifying, saviour complex problem. And I can't fix it.
But praise God, this feeds right back to that first theme and introduces the last. I can't do it. Just like I literally couldn't move the hand brake in the manual. I did proudly sit in the car for 10 minutes trying using both hands, the passenger seat, my waterbottle, my foot. Yep. Not budging. So I had to get Pete. It did not matter how long I sat in that car, it wasn't going to move. Neither can I move my own heart to be right, to have pure motivation, to be about God and not about me. But I can go to the one who created my heart and ask him to change me. The truth is I can't even know of the problem and desire the change without him showing me. One of the reasons we grow so frustrated and tired in trying to make much of ourselves is the opposite side of pride (still pride) that fears what in us we don't want made much of. It's an exhausting pendulum of pride, let's be real. My frustrations should turn to joy as I see him making me dissatisfied and showing me I need him.
And the reason they can turn to joy is because of the third theme, his great grace. I walked into worship at service that first day in Niddrie and was comforted in the reminder that while my heart can't make itself right, God can because of Jesus. No matter how messed up we are, no matter how wrong my heart is, how far from God, no matter the sin that has been, Christ died to take it on and replace it with his righteousness if I put my trust in him.
God knows all the weakest and ugliest things in me. All my sin. And he doesn't tell me to spruce up, get the ducks in a row, be better, (and move the flippin hand brake). He tells me to see, admit and turn from my sin. He tells me to set my gaze off of me and on to him. To set my eyes on Jesus as King, worthy of all the praise I grasp for myself, able to take my sin on himself and give me a place in his Home instead. When Jesus is my King, God gives me his righteousness, not earned and so never lost. He gives me this out of a great love, also unearned and so not lost. Out of the security of this unchanging, unmoving, unearned role as his own I am free to live and work and play and organize to make much of him. He is worth making much of and insecurity can flee because it no longer need be about us and we know he's seen all the ugly and not put together and decided to take us on anyway. Secure and free to admit what's wrong and to make much of the One who makes things new.
Please pray that I would because the battle not to will be a daily one.
If I hadn't realized I truly, truly couldn't move that brake and asked for help I wouldn't have heard the words of belonging. That's often how it is when we finally come to God saying we can't, we need help. We find not reproach, but welcome.
And help- apparently both Petes CAN move the handbrake when it's all the way up and seems impossible. And yes, I've had to ask them both.
*that little star is simply to say the wonderful home feelings of both Cleveland and Scotland are not at all to dismiss my childhood and family home. That too is dear to my heart and I didn't get to post about it but I had a really good visit there with family and friends before embarking on this adventure. I'm grateful for that time and for the loves I leave there as well. And while Scotland reminds me of CLE home in feel, it reminds me of HF home in looks.
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